I recently read a blog post entitled "How to Feel Old." It was about all of these fun little factoids like how the baby on the cover of Nirvana's "Nevermind" album is now 21 years old. The same kind of thing that comes out every year, talking about how old this year's college freshmen are and how they don't remember life before the internet and the like. So the blog had all this type of chuckle-worthy crap designed to make you feel like hanging yourself just because the cute little kid with glasses from Jerry Maguire now looks like he should be starring in Magic Mike.
I just don't understand these things. "How to Feel Old." Do I really need a guide? With each passing birthday, with each new silver hair that I spot in the mirror, with each new "big" high school reunion that rolls around, do I really need a tutorial on how to feel old? Because I'm learning that all on my own, I'm sorry to say. I don't need the aptly self-named "Scary Mommy" terrorizing me with new ways in which to realize the years are passing faster than they ever have before.
I don't need to learn how to feel old. Why doesn't someone help me out with how to feel young? No one seems interested in that. I guess it's boring journalism. It doesn't shock and quicken the pace of one's heart rate, which as we all know is dangerous for the elderly anyway.
I guess it's up to me, then.
HOW TO FEEL YOUNG*
* Some or all of these may not apply to you, just me, which is all that really matters.
1. Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Aniston, Salma Hayek and Jennifer Lopez are all gorgeous and seem not to have aged at ALL in the past 15 or so years. Think about THAT! Plus, they are all older than I am! Marginally so, but they are. (This is one of those "may not apply to you" facts.) And no, I don't care to hear about all of the professional hair, makeup, lighting, personal trainers, and anti-aging products and procedures that they have available to them.
2. The vast majority of my literature books from college are still in like-new condition. It's like I just used them yesterday! (This may or may not have to do with the fact that the vast majority of them also have not been cracked open since then.) If you have any well-preserved books from college stored in your basement, dust them off and place one or two on your end table. Hey look, you've got some studying to do!
3. If you have lived a normal life and therefore not worn a bikini to the beach for the past 20+ years, go into a private room right now, lift up your shirt and look at your stomach. Behold! Smooth, creamy (and likely dead-body white, if you're anything like me) baby-like skin. See that? That's not old-person skin! That skin could rival my 5-year-old's. I'd like to take that skin and put it on my face, in fact. Ok, so that idea kind of goes against what I'm trying to accomplish here.
4. Spend lots of time around old people. Older relatives, especially - people who have known you a long time. They'll say things like "You're too young to remember this, but..." and make lots of references to old music and pop culture. This will give you the opportunity to shrug your shoulders and say, "Nope, sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about. That was before I was born." You will also be the youngest one in the group. Very satisfying.
5. Blast the 80s station on XM radio in your car like I do. Since all they play is 80s music all the time, after a while your mind may be tricked into believing that you're actually a teenager again. Depending on your age you can also utilize the 70s, 60s, 50s, and (congratulations!) 40s stations. Just don't look in the rear-view mirror.
6. Chocolate, lots of chocolate. This won't necessarily make you feel younger but you won't care so much about your age.
7. If anyone says anything to you like "You're young at heart" or "You're only as young as you feel," or, God forbid, ANY mention of aging gracefully, smack them with one of the heavier college books we talked about earlier. Since it's on your end table it should be within reach. This will accomplish two things: the speaker will get the abuse he or she so rightly deserves, and swinging that book may bring back fond memories of good-natured late-night fights with your old college roommate. What fun!
All of these things should be done very close together, and in the event of a birthday, all at once the night before and morning of your birthday. So... enjoy good music, great chocolate, spend time with friends and family and reminisce all you want and you too will feel as young as you deserve to feel. Just remember to eat your fiber, slather on the moisturizer and floss your teeth before a reasonable bedtime. We may still be young, but we have to work at it.
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