A small independent study has shown that approximately 75% of drivers are unfit to operate a vehicle due to poor judgment, inferior reflex time and overall stupidity.
Never heard of it? Well, it was a small study. A really, really small, extremely independent study. Ok, it was conducted by me over the years as I have been forced to endure the idiocy of fellow drivers.
It's hard being the best driver on the road, because, obviously, everyone else falls miserably short when it comes to driving ability. Just the other day I was en route to DSW to search for the elusive pair of comfortable dressy flats that will match a taupe bridesmaid's dress. (I thought I found them but since have realized that they're not so comfortable after all... anyway...)
I guess the fact that I was driving south on Route 9 on a Saturday should have been enough for me to realize that I was going to be sitting in UNBELIEVABLE traffic for at least a little while. But, really, the stupid drivers surrounding me just made the situation even worse. Like the guy who pulled out onto the highway right in front me, too close, and way too slow. And the best part? Yep, you guessed it. There was no one behind me for like a mile. (This was before the aforementioned traffic jam hit.)
So I leaned on the horn. I'm not shy about using it when someone is so clearly in the wrong. When you use the horn though, of course, you run a risk. You don't know how the Beepee is going to react when you beep at them with such anger. (Beep doesn't sound like an angry word, but I feel that when you do it with enough feeling, that emotion somehow will be conveyed through the beep. And now that I've said beep so many times, it just looks weird. Should there be an a in there? A silent e at the end?)
Like I said, you run the risk of the offending driver's reaction when you let them know that you are, to say the least, not pleased with their driving performance. I've found that the reactions tend to fall in one of four categories:
1. The Ignorer
This person will stare straight ahead as you inevitably give them the Death Glare as your car passes theirs. Some will even go so far as to lean on their hand which is propped oh-so-naturally against their head, elbow resting on the car window. This is an effort to prove that, you know what, I'm so bored by your beeping that you didn't anger me at all. In FACT, you relaxed me so much I'm ready to go to sleep, right here behind the wheel. Usually, however, the Beeper knows that what they're really trying to do is avoid making eye contact because, let's face it, they know they're in the wrong. (This particular driver fell into this category... except for his female passenger, who stared at me bewilderingly as I passed them.)
2. The Accidental Flipper
This person also employs the head-resting-on-hand technique, but with a passive-aggressive twist: the middle finger is primarily responsible for the head-resting. This accomplishes getting back at you for DARING to beep your horn while at the same time avoiding eye contact. "What? The finger? No, I'm just resting my head like this. I didn't do that on purpose! What finger? I thought I lost that in a vegetable-chopping accident many years ago, in fact! When the heck did THAT grow back?"
3. The Shifty Eyed
This is the driver who takes his or her cue from you. Head bobbing from side to side to keep looking at you and eyes shifting, the offending driver is quickly trying to figure out just HOW mad you are at their behavior. Depending on your reaction to their transgression, they may simply stare you down or flip the hell out. They could go either way.
4. The Psychopath
... and for some people, it just doesn't matter what your reaction is. As soon as you're within view, they're going to lose it.
Road rage is not pretty. I've had people get out of the car to yell at me (it was an old guy, and ALL I was doing was giving him a little beep to let him know that he had the right of way), follow me in their car (that was scary - and ALL I did was not let him pass me - he was in the merge lane and was supposed to yield!) and others flip out at me for no apparent reason. I wonder if my confused face served to amuse or piss those people off.
Now, with two little kids who are usually in the car with me, I try to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen anymore. If someone cuts me off, I grit my teeth and mumble unintelligibly to myself. If someone just HAS to be first and guns it in the merge lane, I (usually) let them. Again, more teeth gritting and mumbling usually accompany it. I haven't even gotten a speeding ticket in many years, in spite of the fact that my former police captain uncle continues to hand me a new PBA card every year, saying, "You like to speed. Here you go." Thanks Uncle Eddie.
Still, while I've relaxed considerably behind the wheel, other idiots have cropped up to take my place. Some are new idiots; some are seasoned idiots who just never learn. Unfortunately, my blood pressure still rises a bit when I encounter them, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. I'm secure in my status as the best driver in the world. Trust me, you don't want to challenge me on that.
